So I was scrolling through my blog drafts and then I saw this.. Written on the 10th of June, 2015. Casting my mind back to that day… I can only recall one thing, I was “working” at the office the whole day. But the question is, what was I thinking when I wrote this? What was running in my mind for me to compose such a sad composition? Even I, could not recall.
Happiness is self achievable– that is a fact. But I was never truly happy with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed for having such a comfortable lifestyle unlike others. But I feel like there is something I need but cannot obtain. I feel like there is something missing in me; at times, I feel totally empty. I have been needing love, attention, happiness and compassion my whole life. I cannot seem to understand why I am feeling this way.. I feel like there is too much sadness inside me and I cannot freely let go of it. I want to entirely open myself up to someone to be able to release whatever kind of heartache I’ve been holding on for so long. I have tried; I have tried to free myself from the sorrow that has always been in me but for some reason, it won’t seem to go away. I might me lucky/”blessed” for getting the things that I want, but I’m quite unfortunate when it comes to the things that I need.
It’s funny and amazing how things have turned in a span of months. A lot of things have changed in my life. This piece I have written five months ago made me think how “miserable” I thought my life was back then. And thinking about it at this time, I realized that my life is not as “miserable” as I thought it was. With all the good things that is happening to me right now, I’ve noticed how I began to shrug off the bad and the sad things that used to dampen my spirit most of the time. It’s nice when things change in a good way; I’d say I am very lucky to be experiencing such great joy compared before– and I could’t be thankful enough.
I was actually thinking… “What if none of these ever happened?” What if I am still the same old low-spirited girl? What if I am still dealing with constant desolation? How many more sad compositions would I write to realize that there are so many things in this world to be happy about? It’s nice that I am finally experiencing happiness and contentment now– I am so blessed with everything that’s coming my way and I seriously could not ask for more– but one thing for sure, I will never forget how often I wallow in self-pity and how sad I was before.
P.S. Stay happy, self.